Monday, 02 April 2012

  • I've had a good spring

    I'm possibly at my fattest ever but really nobody ever knows when that's the case because let's be honest I only vary within a few pounds. Reality check: I'm very lucky.

     

    However...I already got asked to two frat formals this spring, and neither of them involved beaches (which btw ew seriously? what's the point? terrible)...but I'm fairly certain I'm going to be asked to at least one more, possibly two, and one's a beach and one's a gorg (that's an awkward abbreviation to write down...) hotel with a suite of rooftop pools that we will 100% be day drinking at non-stop over the course of the weekend. So it's not that I'm freaked out about my weight long-term, because I'm just living it up for my last month here and trying to focus on that instead of on a few silly pounds, but if I'm going to be in a bikini with my fav frats all weekend it really would be nice to feel better. So I guess I'm on here because I'm considering starving myself for the next week. I guess we'll see how it goes. I also have my period right now so hopefully a combo of a few days starving, a few good weights workouts for toning, and then losing the bloat from my period will have my confidence up enough by the time the weekend comes around.

     

    Hope everyone has been well...I've been away because I've been focused on other things but I really have been wishing all of you the best

     

    xx

Sunday, 08 January 2012

  • Picked the boy up from the airport yesterday...good day. He's being weirdly cute lately. Like he thinks he's my boyfriend and I'm his girlfriend. I don't know. I really don't. it's making me feel more guilty when I flirt with other boys though. That used to be totally okay, and now I feel bad. anyway

     

    Ate well yesterday, very, actually, and no dinner before going out to drink, but then drank quite a bit. And was fine with it. But my friend who I'm pretty sure is ED in a way that's like me at my worst went out with me last night, and she made the guys we were with drive us out for food at 2 am. I didn't want anything but she ordered me a milkshake. I ate a bit of it and had a few hush puppies...it wasn't that much but it was enough to make me feel ewww and just let myself down because I didn't need that, I wish she hadn't made us do that. And then I could've just gone on back to my place but I wanted to be driven to the boy's after...so I stayed. At least I burned some off during sex. Whatever.

     

    Either way I'm doing 1 hour of cardio later today

Wednesday, 28 December 2011

  • maybe I won't sleep

    just enjoy the dreams of waking hours

    hallucinate my life

    out of focus, from exhaustion

    maybe go a little crazy

    hey, it's a new year

     

     

    anyway, I am currently feeling a little bit foolish. it's 5 AM and I haven't been sleeping well and tonight I didn't even try - honestly I have been sitting up doing what, exactly? I used to stay up late so that I could snack without my parents knowing. Now I stay up so that I can smoke. But I have half a cigarette and then I run back inside and fuddle around...and end up with snacks. ew.

     

    I've loved myself so much all semester, but I feel like I'm still not totally together, and wouldn't it be nice to have it all?

Sunday, 18 September 2011

  • I've been so mentally healthy lately

     

    but it's almost winter and that means jeans and shit they aren't feeling so comfy these days

     

    c'est un problème

     

     

    I'm also going to NOLA for Halloween, which means (a) skimpy outfit desirable and (b) hanging out with my sister, whose body is bangin. I think I need to get this shit under control.

     

    Going out for breakfast tomorrow with my friend, then I'll have a yogurt and a piece of fruit, then probs a workout, sushi dinner, and that, my dears, will be it.

     

    ohm.

Wednesday, 06 July 2011

  • woke up and looked in the mirror and thought "skinny"

    1 hour later, feeling fat.

    why?

    craving consistency.

     

    also just SO frustrated right now - I'm not good at not having control, and I feel like I have so little say over my current life. Part of it is the language barrier, part of it is that I'm no longer living alone, part of it is that I STILL haven't caught up on sleep and so I just constantly feel sick and tired...

    Hmm and I just watched the "Born This Way" music video for the first time...I know it's not new but I haven't been keeping up. Anway, born this way my ASS. Gaga is super skinny and wearing high heels and has on massive amounts of perfect makeup and long, well-coiffed blonde locks...I'm thoroughly unimpressed. Poorly done.

     

    k I'm going to go buy a few things that I need and then get sushi I think?

    last night I went to yoga and only had 2 cucumbers and some tea for dinner. and then my friend fed me 2 chocolate kisses, ugh. today yoga again and then hopefully just a veggie dinner round twoooo. I'm just not focusing well lately...idk, I think I'm just so concerned with how unhappy I am that I'm looking for short-term fixes to happiness, like food. eff. trying to concentrate on the positives...

     

    xx all

     

    edit: P.S. OMG it is SO hot here today, not to mention the standard ridiculously high humidity level, and of COURSE the air conditioner and the water cooler decided to stop working on the SAME DAY. I just want to be naked, is that so bad? GAH

collarxbones

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    • Name: collarxbones
    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 1/28/2009

About Me

  • . . CW: 136; HW: 140; LW: 123; GW: 119 . . college junior, top ten university, stress like you couldn't imagine, super skinny friends, super skinny family, sorority, smoke a little, somehow still just can't get it right. i'm trying to do this a bit healthier this time...not purging 5x/day, not starving for 2 weeks at a time...i'd like to keep my teeth and my metabolism...sigh